The day job.

It’s the cornerstone of American society. The ability and desire to work is what separates us from the sex panthers. That and we don’t smell like pure gasoline. Some people love their day jobs and some people hate them. But the point is, the majority of us have them and like it or not, they give us something to do the during the day. Which oddly enough, have you ever had a random day off and realized that it wasn’t all farting roses because nobody else was off. Sure I love my free time as much as the next guy, but you can’t do hoodrat things with your friends if all of your friends are doing…goodrat(?) things with their work friends/husbands/jumpoffs.

But if you don’t want her don’t waste her time, because I’ll take her. Non-sequitur? You bet your arse it was.

The day job. Now, most of us piddle through our days counting down the minutes until 530pm or whatever time you get off and consider a good day to be one where nobody pisses you off. But that rarely happens. And do you know why? Two words.

Co. Workers.

Yes, the evil minions sent by the evil underworld work boss to wreak havoc on your daily routine. While we all have co-workers that we know and love, I’m fairly certain that in every workplace environment is a unique group of individuals hellbent on making your day just a little bit worse than the day before it. Here are some workplace wackjobs that fit the bill.

1. The Oversharer

You know this one well. This is the person you work with who no matter how inappropriate will tell you exactly what you didn’t want to know at the very moment you didn’t want to hear it. Or will just tell you sh*t you don’t care about and never would. For instance.

Oversharing DD Mango Shirt: Hey P. Did I tell you that last night me and my boyfriend went to go see a riveting play about ants. Wow it just moved my soul…oops I need to adjust my bra and pull this wedgy out…wore the granny panties today..oh wait…did you want to know that? Probably not but we’re friends! Cheers. Bye now. Oh…I didn’t say hello or ask you about your day but I need to work. Talk to you later. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

PowerPoint Panama:  * points finger gun to head and pulls imaginary trigger *

2. The My-Issue-Forcer

Odd way to word that I know. Allow me to explain. Say you took your talents to the cafeteria to get a donut. You come back to your desk and sit down, excited about the ravishing that’s about to go down with this particular donut that you just bought in the last sentence. Out of nowhere, your coworker comes to you and says, “hey do you have a minute because I’d like to discuss this TP report with you?”

“Not right now. But we can talk about it later.”

“Okay. No problem. I just happened to be looking over this TP report and noticed something that I didn’t do the first time and I figured that I should come talk to you about it. What do you think about making this adjustment? Because if we add one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, knick knack paddy wack give a dog a bone plus a baldhead scallywag then I think we can resolve the issue that you didn’t want to talk to me about yet but I just made you listen to it anyway. How ya like me now? Didn’tcha b*tch? Didn’tcha!”

* points finger gun to head and pulls imaginary trigger *

3. The That’s-Just-Damn-Wrong Bathroom Conversationalist

I saw this with my very own eyes recently. I walked into my men’s room and two chaps were in front of me one walked into a stall and the other one commenced to starting a convo with the guy getting his Larry Craig on. Now, there are some places where you just let somebody finish their business before commencing a convo. The stall is one of them. A close second is the two guys actually carrying on a convo…WITH AN UNOCCUPIED STALL BETWEEN THEM. What happens if the rest of the stalls fill up and somebody has to use that one and is right in the middle of a convo. #awkward

4. The Avoider

I hate these people. These are the dbags you see in the hallway who intentionally avoid eye contact with you so that they don’t have to talk to you. One day I’m going to walk right into one of them JUST to force a convo. These are the workplace companions to Champ’s next door neighbor who won’t acknowledge his presence. I get it, Champ. I get it.

Well that’ll do pig. It’s Friday. Purge. Who are the workplace wackjobs that you hate most? Regale us with stories.

Make it last forever.

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